A quick word before work.

I sound like a broken record but I rarely have time for myself, which is why I always ask sissy to wake me up in the morning. I know a lot of people get up super early like around 6 or 7, but I haven't been able to do that since college. A little back track on my life, which is somewhat relevant to the lifestyle we're living now. In college I switched majors maybe five or six times, as most young eager college students do. The guy I was dating at the time was extremely controlling, nothing bad just OCD and very adamant about studying and being on a very specific schedule... I actually wish I had picked up some of those traits. Anyways, when he and I were dating I use to get up really early, I was never late to class my first two years of college... like ever it was crazy because you would think being a first year student you would party a lot and get crazy and almost fail. Well I got most of that out in high school so I didn't party as much as most students my age. I actually made the dean's list my first two years in school. After my ex and I's relationship dwindled down hill he kind of stopped caring about life in general it was very odd, he became a very pessimistic and angry person. I hated to see him like that and although I was the one that ended our relationship I tried to hold on for a long time since we had dated for almost 5 years. I think during this process I tried to help him so much by sympathizing and trying to think like he did. He was very, very intelligent and I could never quite figure him out. Even after five years of dating I still did not know the real him, which seems like a red flag, it's quite obvious now but I was blinded by that at the time. 

As it goes, I think the point of my story is to understand a bit about me as a person, why it is so difficult for me to take control. It is something I have struggled with long before Debbie came around. I have not told her much about this but I have touched base on it a few times. --I hate taking control.-- I know a mistress should never think that and I'm working through it on a day to day basis. I guess I know that with control comes responsibility and I already have so much responsibility it is hard to think of taking on more. I want to do this though which is why every day I think to myself "You can do this! You're going to be amazing at it just like everything else!"  I know how corny that sounds but honestly, anything I can do to help myself is good for me! I want to be successful at this so badly, I think my fear of hurting Debbie comes from my past relationship, I know people always say once you're done with a relationship it's in the past, well if you're a real mother fucking person you know that's NOT true. I strongly dislike when people try to tell you how it "should" be. 

I believe in time, and once we really get into a rhythm, I will truly be amazing at this. I know I need to "overcome" my fears from my past relationship but I also know that I was the one that hurt that person so badly and I don't want to ever let that happen again. I am getting myself into the mind set of " you will not physically hurt her. You will hurt her pride and her mind, but that is okay! That must happen in order for this to work!" I just have to keep telling myself that! 

I know with my drive that once I really get into it there is probably no going back, which I'm sure she's worried about. If this sounds like I "know" what she's thinking, I don't. I try very hard not to read her blog. It is a place for her to get away and just write about things, FLR, our relationship in general and just needs to be a stress free place for her to go away to.  Will I always let her keep a blog? YES! I do not give a shit what anyone says I should or shouldn't do about this aspect. I think it is very healthy for her and she has to have a place to get away. That is why I try so hard not to read it. I do not necessarily want to know what she is thinking about how awful I am... I know how awful I am!!!! hahaha! Gotta keep it light every now and then!

I am excited to say the least. I know this will go far and I'll probably loose all of my readers by the time we're balls to the wall... literally. Honestly, I'm okay with that. This is a place for ME to go to talk to myself about this relationship and sometimes just life in general. I think everyone needs a place for that. Normally it would be my studio but with this new small business I'm setting up I'll be in there a lot!

Talk soon.

Madam Vittoria.